Is This a Review of 'Breaking Dawn' or 'The Descendants' (and 24 Other Urgent Questions)

In theaters now is a movie that fans have long awaited. Lines have already formed around the block to watch the latest escapades of Edward and Bella George Clooney. 'Breaking Dawn' 'The Descendants' is a story of marriage and betrayal, culminating with a baby being eaten out of the womb a terrible boating accident. There will obviously be no Oscar nominations for this movie, but how will the average audience react down at your local cinepex? As a service, we answer 25 question about 'The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1' 'The Descendants.' Q: How many times do we see Taylor Lautner shirtless in 'Breaking Dawn'? A: Actually ... there's been a last second change of plans. We are instead discussing the new George Clooney movie, 'The Descendants.' Q: Wait, why aren't you answering questions about 'Breaking Dawn'? A: After watching all four Twilight movies in one day and writing four separate liveblogs of each, for the life of me, I just can't discuss those movies anymore. Q: Your intro paragraph is very confusing. A: I had already written the intro for 'Breaking Dawn' and was too lazy to change it. Q: But all of my questions are questions about 'Breaking Dawn.' You can't just change this all at the last second. A: Look, just ask the questions that you have and tweak them for 'The Descendants.' Trust me, it will be fine. Q: Um, OK ... So, how many times do we see George Clooney shirtless in 'The Descendants'? A: Zero. Q: Is there an annoying voice over by Kristen Stewart George Clooney that starts 'Breaking Dawn' 'The Descendants,' but quickly disappears. A: Yes. Q: How beautiful is George Clooney's wedding in 'The Descendants'? A: George Clooney plays Matt King, a man who has been married quite some time, so we don't see his wedding on screen. Q: Is 'The Descendants' still set in the depressing town of Forks, Washington? A: 'The Descendants' takes place in Hawaii. And, strangely enough, Hawaii comes off as very depressing. Q: Because of all of the vampires? A: No, it's just that I've never seen a movie in which Hawaii looks so depressing and run down. Q: Does George Clooney transform his wife into a vampire, as was the plan in the previous 'Descendants' movie. A: There is no previous 'Descendants' movie. Also, it's unknown if George Clooney has the power to transform someone into a vampire. Regardless, it's probably too late because his wife is in a coma. Q: Do George Clooney and his wife have a beautiful honeymoon together? A: Even before his wife suffered an injury in a terrible boating accident, causing her coma, the honeymoon was definitely over. As it turns out, Matt King's wife has been cheating on him. Q: With Jacob? A: No, the other man's name is Brian Speer, played by Matthew Lillard. Q: And Brian Speer is a werewolf? A: No, Brian Speer is a real estate agent. Q: Is there a dramatic showdown between the two? A: Yes. Q: During the showdown, does Brian Speer change into his alternative form of a ... real estate agent? A: I won't spoil the moment, but Brian Speers must use many guises to conceal what he did from his wife (Judy Greer). Q: Are you on Team Matt King or Team Brian Speer? A: What kind of a question is that? Seriously, are you an adult? Q: Did George Clooney struggle over the fact that he secretly murdered serial killers in the 1920s for their blood? A: If he is, it's not shown on screen. Though, he does struggle over the selling of a large piece of Hawaiian land -- land that has been in his family for generations -- to a corporate developer. Q: Is 'The Descendants' a dark movie? A: Considering the subject matter, it's actually a lot lighter than what was initially expected. Q: How is Anna Kendrick in 'The Descendants?' A: You're thinking of when Kendrick starred with George Clooney in 'Up in the Air.' Q: Was it difficult to watch the gory scene in which Edward George Clooney chews out his infant daughter? A: "Gory" is a strong word. And Matt King's youngest daughter, Scottie, isn't a baby anymore -- but she sure acts like it at times. After cruelly teasing another girl at school, Scottie does get a good chewing out by her father. Q: Did the ending of 'The Descendants' leave you anticipating the next movie? A: From my understanding, there are no plans for a sequel to 'The Descendants.' Q: At any point did you consider killing yourself during 'The Descendants'? A: Not at all. The movie is quite good, actually. Q: How many questions were you into this piece before you realized that you should have just went ahead and written about 'Breaking Dawn?' A: Seven. Q: Does Matt King's father-in-law still look like Jimmy Fallon with a mustache? A: George Clooney's father-in-law looks a lot like Robert Forester. Q: Will Taylor Lautner George Clooney be nominated for a Razzie Oscar? A: Yes. You can contact Mike Ryan directly on Twitter Follow Moviefone on Twitter Like Moviefone on Facebook